You know what i find to be really funny yet really really annoying? When i started this blog i was so sure i would be serious about it, really tackle it head on! Life gets in the way of my writing sometimes and i was just so determined to overcome it. Now I’m just like Wow i think it’s crazy how i really only write a post when I’m feeling super maniac like i have super powers or some shit or super depressed, like catastrophically OVERWHELMED to the point i need to write or I’ll die and well if you haven’t figured it out I’m feeling pretty fucking shitty! You know we all have those “I HATE my life moments” and let me just tell you the only thing I’ve ever been consistent about is being inconsistent. I live in the state of FML and over the years i have really noticed I’m never moving.
So what’s the plan? Shit if i know. Lately i have just been going with the flow of things. Trying to pretend as if i don’t care and as the little me in my mind isn’t pacing back and forth plucking me in the brain for not listening to her. I cannot control my emotions. I cannot control my reactions. I never could. I mean that’s not the most optimistic shit to say, but it’s the truth. There’s a possibility i may never be able to and all that’s cool and what not. I’m sad. I can’t even begin to explain why. I have a great job. A roof over my head. A car. The man of my dreams decided to forgive me and take me back. My kids are happy and healthy. I mean from the outside looking in i should be happy as hell… right?
Well i am not and i really don’t know why. Just a few minutes ago i was thinking i should probably die. As I’m writing this I’m thinking “Alexus get it together PUH-LEASE.” I realize i want to be more productive with my time so i need to really dedicate some time to write more. I really don’t even mind that not to many people read my blog. I have literally no one in specific to express myself to. No one really understands me. I’m a grown ass woman who has internal tantrums. I like to share with the world because somewhere in the world there’s a teenage girl trying to figure herself out and maybe unsure of what’s she’s feeling. I’m not a doctor. I’ve experienced shit. I’m sharing my shit.
I feel better now. See told you inconsistent. Not even my feelings stay the same long enough for me to figure shit out.
Thanks for listening.