Blog, Family, Life As We May/May not Know It, Mom, Mom life, Unsaid things

The Shit Nobody Says About Being Someone Called “Mom.” 

 

I recently read a Facebook status that said, “I had a really rough day in motherhood yesterday. I sat in the parking lot of Target and cried while 22 played on his tablet in his car seat. Why don’t we talk about the ugly side of being a mom more? The days where you are stretched so thin you sit in a parking lot and cry. The times you have to literally hide for 30 seconds of peace before you completely lose your shit. How you’d miss your pre-mom life and sometimes feel guilty about it. Being a mom is not always sunshine and giggles. Sometimes it’s depression, meltdowns and having shit on your finger. We should really talk about it more.” -Facebook, April Michelle. October 4,2017 

I’m all for it and I’m hear to talk about it. When I was little I dreamed of having children and being the eldest of six, by the time I was twelve I hated kids and never wanted to have any. I know that shit sounds harsh, but I mean being the eldest with five younger siblings eating your food, stealing your shit, wearing your clothes and making to much noise when you’re trying to take a nap. I did not want kids. 

I’m not perfect in fact I’m far from it! When I had my first son I was 20 years old and I didn’t even have a high school diploma. I went to high school online, I finished the courses and I never paid for the diploma. It was not a priority to me. It wasn’t until I was offered a manager position at my then current job working at Wendy’s for minimum wage and a one year old child that I decided i needed to get off my ass and do something even something as small as becoming a manager at Wendy’s made me want to try something else, be better. So I tried to enroll into the online University of Phoenix when I learned that I couldn’t because my bullshit online high school diploma was not accredited to this particular school. So I schedule my GED test and I passed it, enrolled into this University that I never even finished( but that’s another blog). It was this very small moment that changed the type of person I wanted to be. The person I needed to be for my son. 
Okay. Okay. I got a little off topic, but I’m back. In the midst of trying to get my life together I was now in control of another person, he’s four now but at this time I was in a dark place. Still trying to overcome my emotional issues and figure out what exactly it was I wanted and needed to do with my life and believe it or not here I am with another baby still trying to figure this thing we call life out. Sure I’ve secured better jobs, got 2 more certifications and I have another on the way, but I’m still not sure exactly what I need to be doing to be a better person and a better mother. Trying to work full time and be a mom at the same time has been extremely difficult to me, it’s like I could never manage to do both things at once. I halfway have it figured out, but not enough to ease the stress and the rush of overwhelming anxiety when it comes to being a mom and trying to make a living to take care of myself and my children. 

I’m not sure how many moms have had those days where they have to just lock themselves in a room, I myself prefer the bathroom, when one if not both of my children are crying and I want to cry with them without them actually having to see their “Superwoman” be powerless. There have been days where I completely just did not know what I was going to do when concerning my living arrangements and my work schedule. I moved to Georgia in May of 2015 with my mother for a good month before I decided that state was just not for me, so I returned to Philadelphia in June, homeless, unemployed and completely stressed the fuck out. Seriously I’m talking stressed out beyond repair. Luckily for me my mom decided to keep my then 2 year old until the end of summer so I had time to at least find a job. Which i did while staying with a female friend of my fathers that i did not know at all. I later moved with my cousin and then my Grandmom between June and November of 2015 before securing a job at a gas station that i actually liked and signing a lease to my FIRST apartment. At this time i only had one child, and with my work schedule and the conflicting shit Philadelphia’s county childcare assistance puts us working mothers through. My child basically resides with his father at 2 years old, i spent so much time at work and the rest of my time sleep, depressed or just doing what i wanted, while missing my child. I don’t want to go into extreme detail i just wanted to give you guys some background on why & how shit is hard being a mom, a working mom when you have no support system in place. 

I now have two children, although their both in childcare my eldest child still sometimes stays weeks with his father. Unfortunately with the father of my youngest child being incarcerated i don’t have any free time. Just a few weeks ago, i cried because i wanted to go out with my sister and a few friends and there was nobody to watch my baby. I felt so stuck and overwhelmed and frustrated that i just wanted one day to myself without changing a pamper or making a damn bottle and well needless to say i was changing pampers and making bottles that day. Not to discredit my grandmother who gets my youngest whenever she can and she’s 70 years old! Thanks Sandy 😘 love you lots, but sometimes i think to myself I’m 24, I’m still young and at times i still want to self with me and for ME. As a mother that sometimes makes me question whether or not I’m a bad mom and you know what I AM A DAMN GOOD MOTHER! I’m not perfect but why is it a crime to want time away from my kids? It’s not! Most moms i talk to act like being away from their kid(s) will kill them, which i find mind blowing when they always complaining about having them. My oldest son wiped poop all over my toilet seat and cleaned it up with my brand new towels and to this day i do not find that shit funny! I kind of went way off topic here, but moral of my story is i struggled to become a functioning full time employee/ full time mom, my shit is still coming together. My 5 month old is falling asleep on my chest no lie as i type this on my cracked iPhone. I LOVE MY KIDS MORE THAN I LOVE ME, and i LOVE me lol, but if I want to have a raging ranting mom moment from here and there i will! This is where I’ll blog about what a shitty day i had as a mom and who knows it might have actually been shit on me..
Lexx 

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Life As We May/May not Know It, Poetry By Lexx, Rape, Unsaid things

Poetry Time. Vol. 2

 
No parent should ever have to hear the shit you’re going to hear about me 

But can you really blame me

I was 18 and grown

You wasn’t there to tame me

What I thought was some dancing

Was anything but that

If it was about a dollar

I was on my hands, knees and back

Letting random men cop a feel

If I thought the price was right

I was getting money

Getting high,

I was on a natural flight

I was IT,

I was her

I had my own natural light

How could a girl like me?

Turn into a hoe like that

I was providing for me and my sister

When nobody had our backs!

I felt like I accomplished something

I didn’t accomplish shit

I was a young black whore for sale

And I thought I was that bitch

I would go home

Throw 100’s of dollars on the bed

Trying so hard to erase the shit that I just did from my head

It was apart me

That shit became who I was

They say pussy is power

I used mine like a drug

I spent $10,000

I had nothing to show for it

I’m still trying to convince myself

That I wasn’t a hoe for it

I know that’s a lie

That shit still fucking with my consciousness

My mind already fucked up

I got to deal with the consequence

I’m stuck between that life sometimes

And the one that I’m trying to build

Knowing deep down inside

When my back against the wall

I would choose the life that could have got me killed

You was never there for me

So could you really blame me?

You couldn’t even protect me from that nigga that fucking raped me

He drugged me

He used me

He robbed me

I was stranded

There was no one there to help

You can’t believe the shit I did to get home

Do you know how I fucking felt?

I didn’t even know him

I cant remember his name

Nothing

All I remember is popping pills

And fucking

 

No one knows that shit

I can’t take the embarrassment

Those were the cards I been dealt

Better yet those were the cards I dealt myself.

So can I really blame you?

Deep down I know I can’t,

But I still want to

Maybe if I had a dad I wouldn’t have went astray

Maybe if my mom taught me better

I would have turned out ok

How come I only feel love when I have some green faces

Was I looking for love in all the wrong places?

Was I looking for a daddy as a replacement?

I was lost and turned out

And from the outside I was fine

Something only I could see

I was begging for a fresh start

Chasing after every wrong

Because my daddy broke my heart

My mommy was consumed with her own life

While I was trying to take mine.

I been trying to change for 4 years

I still can’t grasp the concept that’ll it take time

Alexus Richards ©2015

Blog, Girl Talk, Inspiration By Lexx

“Why Did You Start A Blog?”

“Why did you start a blog?”
Since I’ve started my blog a weeks ago I’ve encountered this question a number of times, “why did you start a blog?” I’ll tell you why.
I LOVE to write. As the eldest child of six, I wasn’t always the top priority in my household (sorry mom), but I wasn’t. My father spent 17 years of my life incarcerated and I didn’t have anyone to talk to. As much as I wanted to talk there was never anyone to listen & well shit that can drive a girl growing up in this world crazy & well that’s exactly what it did, so they say *rolls eyes, EXTRA HARD*

“If a story is in you, it had to come out” – William Faulkner

Needless to say, I started this blog for young girls like I use to be, the young woman I once was & the young woman I’m trying to be as well. The girls who had/have nobody to talk to. This is a I’m here for you blog. Seriously who the fuck wants to talk to a stranger? Lol I know I get it & guess what I do NOT care. I’m not going to put you in a headlock & make you talk, you can just read and I bet you’ll say to yourself,”Damn, I went through something like this.” Or something similar. Why does anyone else start a blog? I really don’t know I never asked lol. I just feel like if you have something to say, SAY IT! Most people are scared to talk. I mean I get it most of us learned the hard way about telling their business to the wrong person.
Growing up, I was extremely shy. I remember my younger brothers father telling me how he thought I was slow because I never talked. And by the time I got to the point where I needed to talk I couldn’t. I didn’t always know what to say because I’m “Bipolar” I didn’t and still don’t know what I always felt or feel. So I wrote. Do you know what it’s like not to have a voice? Like you can talk, people hear you, but they’re not listening? This was my life. My writing demands that I be heard! I decided a few months ago that I’d one day like to start a non- profit organization for young girls that go through typical girl shit with a dose of real shit. My blog is just step one, that will be incorporated into my organization as a gateway to a number of resources, inspiration, girl bonds and life long friendships. There are things I will talk about in further post that I hope will encourage young girls to be who they are, do what they want and be happy about it all while being safe, smart, classy and super GIRL BOSSY. This blog is just the beginning to my story. The beginning to my future.
Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle – Abraham Lincoln


I’m DONE waiting 😌
Lexx

Poetry By Lexx

Poetry Time. Vol. 1

Sitting back thinking
You’ve been holding yourself up for some time now
Holding yourself up.
Hmm.. More like pulling yourself down
You just keep telling yourself hold on that maybe one day.
You pray that one day
your life might turn around
Sucking all this d*ck like a professional
You deserve a f*ck*ng crown
You’ve been in and out the streets
In and out some sheets.
More beds and floors then You even want to remember
You’ve been raped
You’ve been robbed
Your heart should be as cold as December
You’ve been working,
You’ve been trying
You’ve been praying
But you still mange to fail
And all of a sudden you’re laying
Laying down in the bed with a total stranger
Your life’s a living f*ck*ng hell
Not even realizing that you could be in danger
You need this paper
That’s the motive ain’t it
When you hungry and starving
You swear You can’t tame it
Struggle turn babies into big kids fast
Struggle turned a good girl into a hoe with no class
All You got is your sass
But your mouth can’t protect you
What makes a good girl bad
Hmm.. Well let’s see
Mama had to many kids to raise on her own
Daddy been in jail all your life
So that relationship was one built through a phone
Ain’t nobody tell you otherwise
so when you started f*ck*ng
It was, “f*ck everybody cause I’m grown”
You’re not a victim
But that don’t stop you from feeling like one
And You not a killer
that won’t stop you from dealing with one
What’s the procedure when a trick nigga got a gun to you’re head
You don’t know?
You don’t know!
Click
clack
boom now you dead
But you got to make sure your rent paid
Make sure that your kids fed
Who going to look out for you
Hmm.. let’s see
Nobody
Didn’t nobody have your back
you was f*ck*d up and homeless
Sleeping on different floors and couches
Just roaming
Trying to work a dead end job
Even take your *ss back to school
Trying to work it out with a man who don’t respect you
He got you out here looking like a fool
But that’s cool right
No f*ck that
That’s wrong
But what you suppose to do when you tired
You’ve been singing the same d*mn song
Give up?
Keep trying?
Ask somebody for help
Ain’t nobody here to help you
When the nigga beat your *ss
Who the f*ck protect you
In your head repeating I need some type of rescue
Contemplating on ending it all
But you not a victim right
You get up when you fall
You show these m*th*rf*ck*rs just how strong you are
You was a struggle princess just chasing you’re dreams
Look at now girl
You a QUEEN

-Alexus G. Richards, ©2015

Career, Girl Talk, Inspiration By Lexx

In the words of the GIRL BOSS her self…

I love to believe that I am a #GirlBOSSinTheMaking & I say in the making because I’m still trying to make something of myself. Most days I’m to tired to try, others well let’s just face reality I’m to got damn lazy. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, especially for those of us with young children. I have a 3 month old baby do I get a pass? Well not exactly although I mostly always feel I should get a pass for some reason, but that’s getting off topic. I say in the making because I’m not yet my own boss, *heavy sigh* I’m still working a shitty job.

“And the shitty jobs made the good ones more meaningful. Most people don’t land their dream job right out of the gate, which means we all have to start somewhere”- Sophia Amoruso, Founder & CEO of Nasty Gal

I have worked a number of shitty jobs and I’m proud to say it too. Just in the last year I have worked 4 jobs I didn’t particularly hate but I certainly did not love. In the last two years I’ve worked 9 jobs that, not including my side hustle which is just another post in an entirety. Now if that isn’t a record for shitty jobs I don’t know what is. I worked for Wendy’s, a chain food restaurant which is just about every where from 2011-2015, this wasn’t my first job, it was my second, but it was a job in which I had longer than any other job. I was a sandwich maker extraordinaire (if that’s a real thing) I was it. In fact, I was beyond good at this job I went on to become a shift supervisor and most nights I hated being there, but it put money in my pocket and by the time I was 20 in 2013 I had a baby so it put food in both of our mouths. I eventually quit this job when some drastic changes were made to my life and I relocated briefly (literally one month, I’m a Philadelphian forever) to the state of Georgia, with my mother & again that’s another post. I worked very shortly in a deli, in a chain supermarket In the south called, Kroger. Two weeks later I was taking a 17 hour greyhound bus ride back to Philadelphia, homeless, unemployed and at that time carefree. My son was still in Georgia with my mother so for the time being I didn’t have to drive myself insane with worry, but one thing for sure I NEEDED A DAMN JOB! I started working at a small bagel shop, very friendly people and once again I was working with food (which today I refuse to do unless absolutely necessary). I quit two months later when I decided waking up at 3AM when I had went to sleep two hours ago was not for me. Less than a week later I was a sales associate in a new shoe store in Center City, the pay sucked. The job was boring & I was searching for a new one immediately. I wasn’t even working there a month before I found something else. Here I was working at a Sunoco gas station in South Philadelphia. It wasn’t the best job to have, but it was my favorite job. A franchised Sunoco, owned by a close knitted Italian family & although the hours were to early for me I loved going there. The customers were regulars and I felt at home here. By now I have an apartment & eventually took on a second job at Chick- Fil- A in the Philadelphia airport, i literally worked here for 3 days (shortest job I’ve ever had), then there was the pest control company, back to the Airport 7 months pregnant with my youngest son and then I took a pre- licensing training to get my health insurance license which I currently am in training to start the actual job. Okay okay that was long. Sorry lol, but moral of the story is I worked all of these jobs and all of them changed me for the better.

“Life is short. Don’t be lazy.” – Sophia Amoruso

Just recently I’ve been thinking about my future a little more than usual, hence the blog. This excerpt from the book in particular made me realize that I had to stop complaining and go with what I know and I LOVE! I had to make a choice, either work shitty jobs forever or try to make myself work for what I want, what I love!

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Nobody is saying quit your job to climb mountains because you love to climb mountains. What I’m saying is SO WHAT if what you want didn’t happen over night or that it’s going to be harder to get there. SO WHAT if you’re scared. SO WHAT if no one believes in you. Take charge of yourself and your life & I guarantee you’ll feel much better about yourself.

 

IMG_2062I highly recommend this book, not for business minded purposes. Not everyone wants to start a business & that is PERFECTLY fine, but because this book can give another young woman like myself a boost of confidence, self esteem, faith & motivation to work just a little harder for what they want in life. Now sh*t doesn’t just happen over night and you may not feel the need to just just up right away and get your whole life together, but I must say it’ll feel GREAT when you do 🙂 .

-Lexx

1st Blog: Intro

First Time Blogger: Feeling Inspired

Today I took a small step in achieving an extremely big goal in my life, everybody who knows me knows that I write. It’s my talent, I’m good at it, it’s what I LOVE to do. Today I started a blog. I will share intimate details of my life, of experiences and things others may want to share or have shared with me, tips on just about everything & I’ll have guest writers join in on topics I’m not familiar with like hair, make up & fashion 😂(I’m simple). Sometimes I’ll rant, write extremely long paragraphs (they’ll be worth reading), some days I’ll simply state a quote or a sentence. At the time it’ll be just what someone may need to hear. I am investing in myself at this point. What I have in mind for the next few years is mind blowing & this is a minor goal to achieve a bigger one. In the words of my cousin, “Alexus your destiny is so GREAT!” I finally believe that. I hope anyone willing to listen will do & if not that’s okay, pass it along to your friends, your little sisters, cousins or just someone who may need someone to relate to. I’m sooooo excited for this guys. I have never had a plan in my entire life, I pretty much just “winged it” for most of my adolescent life. This step is so necessary, I’m inspired, motivated & happy. Let’s get you inspired ladies.
Signed,
#AGirlBOSSinTheMaking

file jun 23, 2 12 21 pm

P. S.
Keep in mind that this is my first time doing this. Give me some time to design  blog page lol it’ll get done.

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