I recently read a Facebook status that said, “I had a really rough day in motherhood yesterday. I sat in the parking lot of Target and cried while 22 played on his tablet in his car seat. Why don’t we talk about the ugly side of being a mom more? The days where you are stretched so thin you sit in a parking lot and cry. The times you have to literally hide for 30 seconds of peace before you completely lose your shit. How you’d miss your pre-mom life and sometimes feel guilty about it. Being a mom is not always sunshine and giggles. Sometimes it’s depression, meltdowns and having shit on your finger. We should really talk about it more.” -Facebook, April Michelle. October 4,2017
I’m all for it and I’m hear to talk about it. When I was little I dreamed of having children and being the eldest of six, by the time I was twelve I hated kids and never wanted to have any. I know that shit sounds harsh, but I mean being the eldest with five younger siblings eating your food, stealing your shit, wearing your clothes and making to much noise when you’re trying to take a nap. I did not want kids.
I’m not perfect in fact I’m far from it! When I had my first son I was 20 years old and I didn’t even have a high school diploma. I went to high school online, I finished the courses and I never paid for the diploma. It was not a priority to me. It wasn’t until I was offered a manager position at my then current job working at Wendy’s for minimum wage and a one year old child that I decided i needed to get off my ass and do something even something as small as becoming a manager at Wendy’s made me want to try something else, be better. So I tried to enroll into the online University of Phoenix when I learned that I couldn’t because my bullshit online high school diploma was not accredited to this particular school. So I schedule my GED test and I passed it, enrolled into this University that I never even finished( but that’s another blog). It was this very small moment that changed the type of person I wanted to be. The person I needed to be for my son.
Okay. Okay. I got a little off topic, but I’m back. In the midst of trying to get my life together I was now in control of another person, he’s four now but at this time I was in a dark place. Still trying to overcome my emotional issues and figure out what exactly it was I wanted and needed to do with my life and believe it or not here I am with another baby still trying to figure this thing we call life out. Sure I’ve secured better jobs, got 2 more certifications and I have another on the way, but I’m still not sure exactly what I need to be doing to be a better person and a better mother. Trying to work full time and be a mom at the same time has been extremely difficult to me, it’s like I could never manage to do both things at once. I halfway have it figured out, but not enough to ease the stress and the rush of overwhelming anxiety when it comes to being a mom and trying to make a living to take care of myself and my children.
I’m not sure how many moms have had those days where they have to just lock themselves in a room, I myself prefer the bathroom, when one if not both of my children are crying and I want to cry with them without them actually having to see their “Superwoman” be powerless. There have been days where I completely just did not know what I was going to do when concerning my living arrangements and my work schedule. I moved to Georgia in May of 2015 with my mother for a good month before I decided that state was just not for me, so I returned to Philadelphia in June, homeless, unemployed and completely stressed the fuck out. Seriously I’m talking stressed out beyond repair. Luckily for me my mom decided to keep my then 2 year old until the end of summer so I had time to at least find a job. Which i did while staying with a female friend of my fathers that i did not know at all. I later moved with my cousin and then my Grandmom between June and November of 2015 before securing a job at a gas station that i actually liked and signing a lease to my FIRST apartment. At this time i only had one child, and with my work schedule and the conflicting shit Philadelphia’s county childcare assistance puts us working mothers through. My child basically resides with his father at 2 years old, i spent so much time at work and the rest of my time sleep, depressed or just doing what i wanted, while missing my child. I don’t want to go into extreme detail i just wanted to give you guys some background on why & how shit is hard being a mom, a working mom when you have no support system in place.
I now have two children, although their both in childcare my eldest child still sometimes stays weeks with his father. Unfortunately with the father of my youngest child being incarcerated i don’t have any free time. Just a few weeks ago, i cried because i wanted to go out with my sister and a few friends and there was nobody to watch my baby. I felt so stuck and overwhelmed and frustrated that i just wanted one day to myself without changing a pamper or making a damn bottle and well needless to say i was changing pampers and making bottles that day. Not to discredit my grandmother who gets my youngest whenever she can and she’s 70 years old! Thanks Sandy 😘 love you lots, but sometimes i think to myself I’m 24, I’m still young and at times i still want to self with me and for ME. As a mother that sometimes makes me question whether or not I’m a bad mom and you know what I AM A DAMN GOOD MOTHER! I’m not perfect but why is it a crime to want time away from my kids? It’s not! Most moms i talk to act like being away from their kid(s) will kill them, which i find mind blowing when they always complaining about having them. My oldest son wiped poop all over my toilet seat and cleaned it up with my brand new towels and to this day i do not find that shit funny! I kind of went way off topic here, but moral of my story is i struggled to become a functioning full time employee/ full time mom, my shit is still coming together. My 5 month old is falling asleep on my chest no lie as i type this on my cracked iPhone. I LOVE MY KIDS MORE THAN I LOVE ME, and i LOVE me lol, but if I want to have a raging ranting mom moment from here and there i will! This is where I’ll blog about what a shitty day i had as a mom and who knows it might have actually been shit on me..